Phone Call

I have implemented Low Contact with my mother for a few months now. This is because I have finally realised that no matter what I said or did she is not going to listen to a word I’ve said. And since finding out that there’s a label for people like her, I’m more aware and it hurts less – on a conscious level at least!

Being Easter and all, I sent mum and dad a text message on Easter Sunday, wishing them a Blessed Easter. And I was indeed “blessed” with a phone call from her yesterday. It started with a “Hello, how are you? I am paying for this call, can you Skype?” Without waiting for an answer because she’s so used to me asking “how high” when she has asked me to jump, she said “I’ll wait for you.” My computer has been inhabited by gremlins over the past few days changing settings on me while I’m asleep and I lost a heap of my desktop icons, bookmarks and saved passwords. So I told her that I’ll try to see if I could get on Skype because of computer issues. She soon hung up.

Enter chest pains with a vengeance! Hubby patted me on the back and sympathetically wished me luck just before I went for a smoke to calm my frayed nerves. With a wry smile I replied that I was glad that my weekly session of therapy was brought forward to yesterday instead of Thursday, because chances are I’ll be needing it! Looking back on it today, it really is quite sad for a daughter to get a panic attack at the prospect of having a phone call with her mother!

Since reading The Harpy’s Child a few weeks ago, I have been picking up so many things that can be related to both my Narcissistic mother and “golden child” sister who is a Narcissist herself. I will be posting examples in a series of posts because they are WAY too long for a single post. Anyway, yesterday’s phone call was no different.

Got Skype up and running and the phone call began. She started griping about how much trouble my intellectually disabled brother gave her on the plane back from the golden child’s place and how embarrassed she was. My brother was merely absolutely terrified of getting on a plane after they exposed him daily to the plane crash of MH370! Duh! Normal, functional adults are afraid of flying – let alone an adult with the mind of a child! Sheesh! I did tell her off for that but got a “there was no choice because it was on”! I mean, really??? There’s always a choice! And then hubby and I got berated for not following the news on the ship that sunk in Korea because we need to be informed of what’s going on in the world. We’re not big fans of the news unless something’s happening locally. As hubby quoted from somewhere – “The news is the only place where they wish you a good morning / afternoon / evening and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t!”

Then I heard about the money spent when she went to visit the golden child. She was solely responsible for that cos she should have thought about it before fleeing there. And of course, our little house got mentioned… again. She said that she had actually wanted to come over here but our house was too small to accommodate them. That’s probably the ONLY reason that I’m glad we live in this little shoe box!

I also had an inquisition into why I wasn’t continuing with my Psych degree. I told her that I was taking a break from it, and she demanded at least 4 times with “Reason?” The Hubby was quite funny. He whispered something to the effect of “because she raised her daughter in such a f***ed up manner”. I was so tempted to tell her that, but thought against it. I’d already told her about the PTSD previously which was received with a “but that was so long ago!” She obviously does not get PTSD and its long-lasting effects even though I explained it to her. Personally, I think she prefers not to understand what I’m going through, especially because she’s part of the cause.

I eventually told her that my mental state was still off. I told her that I was doing a creative writing unit instead. Her reply was priceless. “Are you sure? If your mental state’s that way how can you write?” I told her that this year I’m doing things that I’ve always wanted to do and I’ve always wanted to be an author. And I also told her about trying out belly dancing as well because that was something I wanted to do. She asked me how much it was and I told her that I got a great online deal. The next thing I hear is about how the golden child always finds cheap deals online like massages, etc. And I want to hear about this, why?

She kept steering the conversation back to the golden child. She asked if we spent Easter with the rellies and when I told her that we did, she proceeded to say that she loved where we went (Hubby and I were married there) and that where the golden child lived reminded her of that place *rolling my eyes*. I think I’ll have to restate the boundary that I don’t want to know anything about the golden child. Because knowing her, if any word went out about the precious one, I’ll be the first one she’ll blame. Uh-uh. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, so bugger off!

And of course no conversation is complete without at least one contradiction. First she went on about how she’s been hearing about lots of people dying and that life didn’t have meaning anymore and that she was just waiting to die, pretty much. Her phrasing included me as well, so I blatantly told her that I disagreed because I have my two beautiful boys to live for (bad me forgot to include hubby in that!). She quickly changed her mind to say that she was just living for my brother *cue violins*.

I just had to laugh. If I didn’t, I’d cry.

My therapist told me that I’m taking everything very well without showing disappointment or anger. I told her that I think most of my problems stem from my conscious and my sub conscious not being in sync. Consciously I know that I cannot change them, but I can change myself (by dropping the care factor to -257). Consciously I am grateful because I am now a better parent than my mother ever was by learning to do what she DIDN’T do (Getting validated for my efforts by my therapist has been a great help and a source of pride). Consciously I am thankful that I have broken the vicious narcissistic cycle through my marriage to a wonderful man and inherited an amazing extended family in the process. But sub consciously I think there’s still the hope that things might get better, and I’m pretty sure there are lots of little people in there marching on in protest that it is unfair to be put through so much by my biological family.

I need to start paying more attention to those protesting people marching around in my head.

  1. Sunshine says:

    Wow….do we have the same mother?! Seriously this is the same kinds of conversations I have with her…. you have my sympaties dear!

    • firenice84 says:

      Hi Sunshine! 🙂

      Thank you for your empathy! It means a lot, especially since empathy isn’t a character trait found in my biological family 🙂

      Sorry to hear that you have conversations like these with your mother too. It must be really difficult. However, now you know that you are not alone and that it’s “them” not you. This knowledge in itself is empowering.

      Thank you for following my blog and for your comment!

  2. Yup. You’ve described my mother to a T. And honestly, it’s still rare that I don’t feel a hole in the pit of my stomach if I come home to a phone message from my mom. Thank God she rarely calls; usually to bitch about someone, tell me who died or say'”haven’t heard from you so I thought I’d call to see if you were still alive.’ Thank God it doesn’t bother me like I used to….

    • firenice84 says:

      Hi Miss Paulette,

      I am so sorry that it’s taken me this long to approve the post and reply. May has been a horrible month in terms of health and I’ve been in and out of hospital so much this month, I’m almost considering renting a suite there! 😛

      While it is good to know that I am not alone in this situation, it is also really sad to see others go through what I go through, because I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy… wait a minute… I suppose I could actually think it 😛

      Yes, I totally get those phone calls.

      Thank you for sharing and commenting!

  3. I’m so happy that I have found people that have lived a similar life to mine. I’m the only child of a NM who was also a single parent. I’m 22 now and still not free, but reading what others have gone through gives me hope.

    Keep your head up and focus on the good of the day is all I can say


    • firenice84 says:

      Hi Justine,

      Sorry for the delayed response. I haven’t been well (please see above reply).

      You are most definitely not alone. It is actually quite scary to see that there are so many Narcissistic people! Makes the world a much scarier place. Forget ghosts, ghouls and bad spirits the Narcissistic people of the world are scarier! (To all the spirits out there, this is NOT a challenge, just a statement, so please don’t haunt me!) 😛

      I am glad, however, that you have found this out at 22 years of age. I only found this out this year and I’ll be 36 in a few months! So try to keep reading up on this and realise that it is most definitely not your fault. I have found that I find conversations with my mother rather amusing these days, because I keep picking out the various ways her Narcissism comes out. It’s rather empowering!

      Thank you for the encouragement, and please be sure to do the same.

      Thank you for your comment and for sharing. 🙂

  4. bellam979 says:

    This blog is an answer to prayers. Can hardly wait to soak it all up. My life.

    • firenice84 says:

      Hi Bellam and welcome to my blog!

      I am both sad and grateful that you can relate to my writing. Sad because yet another person is made a Narc’s punching bag. Grateful that through my writing I am able to “meet” another soul in need of healing and help in whatever way I can.

      I look forward to chatting more.

      Cheers 🙂

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