Back With Renewed Clarity

Posted: May 6, 2015 in Contact with Narcissists, Narcissism / Narcissistic Personality Disorder, PTSD

The Confusion

The past few months have been a roller coaster ride. On the physical front, I’ve managed to make some headway in my quest to be pain-free. And I am still working on making more progress. On the emotional front, it seems like I’ve taken two steps forward and twenty backwards. This is the focus of my long overdue post.

In November last year, I underwent a hysterectomy. I was fortunate that everything went well, and although I was bored out of my brains, my recovery went along very well. During this recovery period, my mother called pretty much every day. She actually behaved like an ordinary mother – the kind of mother that I have always wanted; the kind of mother I’ve always hoped was in there somewhere. I thanked God that she finally cared about me, that she had changed. I felt validated and elated.

Along with these feelings of euphoria, I was also wracked with guilt. I thought that I had attributed a wrong label to my mother – That she was not a narcissist because narcissists don’t and cannot change while she had. I even put aside my psychiatrist’s professional opinion that she was a narcissist. All because the little child in me that was screaming for her mother’s love for so long had finally been given a handout. I started to feel really guilty about sharing my stories on this blog even though they are my truths, because I thought she had genuinely changed and it would be ungracious of me to tell my story when she had changed.

The Moment of Truth

But that handout of love didn’t last very long at all. True to form, she reverted to her Narcissistic self. And the world around me came crashing down once again. I felt let down because in my opinion, she knew how to be a nice mother who cared for me as she had proven for a month or so. But she had chosen not to be one. I guess it would have been so much easier to cope with if she had just stayed the same, and didn’t lead me on with false hope on top of the false hope that I have always had. As the saying goes “The higher you are, the harder the fall.” It could not be more true in this instance and I was shredded to pieces from the fall.

I have now learned, although the hard way, that she is not going to change her spots. What I thought was genuine love, care and affection was most probably her using a hoovering technique. I am somewhat grateful for this hard lesson as it reinforces what she is – a Narcissist and the hope that she’ll ever be the mother I’ve always wanted to be is diminishing every day as I see her narcissistic traits for what they are.

I may have regressed in terms of my depression and PTSD, but I am now continuing my fight towards healing with renewed clarity. I shall not feel guilty for sharing truths that are mine to share.

  1. Mia Southafricanwhitegirl Valenti says:

    My NM does that…they call it Munchausens-by-proxy. Getting attention/ supply by being the carer.

  2. Mine loves to be seen as the ‘savior of everything screwed up.’ It gives her an opportunity to control things (especially people) and be seen a hero for doing so. Always a price to pay, though.

    Not sure which is worse: having a mother that genuinely can’t be a good person or one that can but chooses not to.

    I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. Get well soon.

    • firenice84 says:

      I know what you mean, willbewholeagain! My NM is the same. My aunt and I have given her the nickname of “martyr” in a purely sarcastic sense. Her motive for “helping” someone is purely for boasting privileges. She does something for someone and the whole world will know about it. Or she offers to help (usually financially) in the presence of all and sundry.

      My grandmother (her mother) isn’t doing too well, and doctors say that she might pass on at any time. My grandmother has been staying with her son and so my uncle has said that he’ll be taking care of the funeral expenses. My mother protested really loudly because if my uncle paid for it, she will not have any say in the arrangements that will be made.

      I am so sorry that your mother is a narcissist too and for what you have endured.

      Thank you and thank you for stopping by! I look forward to reading your blog!

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