Posts Tagged ‘the Narc’

Many people who have been abused seek validation. Validation to me is basically someone saying that “Yes, that was right/wrong” or believing you when you say something. Just listening to a person and understanding where they are coming from makes a lot of difference.

The subject of validation came to me after another conversation with my mother yesterday. It’s nice to know that she’s good for something (inspiring blog posts)! Some time ago, my mother had said something and after I hung up, I was like “Crap, I could have said something there!” That annoyed me for days, but I eventually let it go. She brought the subject up again yesterday, and I was not letting it slide this time. There’s a reason my hubby calls me “a rabid pitbull with a bone”!

She started telling me about how my cousin who was pretty much like her third daughter betrayed her. (It still amazes me that she didn’t know what to do with me but could find the time to communicate with everyone else.) I had heard this story from her before and so I just took a back seat and listened. I was determined not to let anything she say get to me. I observed the conversation, picking out all the Narcissistic cues.

After she had finished her story, she told me that “It’s when you are hurt by those who are close to you, that makes it unbearable.” I told her that she now knew what I felt when my Narc sister lied about me and when my mother chose to take the side of my Narc sister rather than even giving me the benefit of the doubt. I had finally told her the stuff of my nightmares (not that I would give her the satisfaction of knowing that I had them). I told her that she immediately believed my Narc sister and yelled at me 4 years ago – piling on the additional hurt and disbelief (which eventually led to the delayed onset of PTSD).

Ring the Narc alarm bells! Narcissists never/cannot (or should I say delusionally choose not to) believe that anything they do could be wrong. I had called her out on something that was blatantly wrong on her part. Her response? Totally unrelated and irrelevant. She started giving me back story (all the way from when she was 16) about how “naive” and “gullible” she was, believing what everyone says at face value and how she never knew that the Narc sister was having an affair. She insisted that she didn’t know about the affair. Me thinks she doth protest too much. Especially since someone told me that she had told her sister about the Narc sister’s affair when she was drunk.

She later tried to push the blame or fault back to me, by saying “If you knew, why didn’t you tell me?” I replied that all my life she had never believed a word I’d said about the Narc sister, why would she start then?! I returned the blame to where it was due. Her response to that one? Blatant disregard. She ignored it and went silent as though I had not spoken.

I felt proud that I told her what my issues were. But I didn’t have any expectations of her validating them. She was not capable of doing that. Apart from feeling accomplished at what I told her, I felt – absolutely nothing. No hurt, no anger – nada. But my chest pain (which is a physical manifestation of my PTSD) got bad very quickly. While the chest pain used to scare me a lot 2 years ago, today, it almost acts as my guide. When my chest starts hurting, I start to take stock of my thought processes and figure out why it’s hurting. Sometimes I have no clue, but very often, if my chest hurts, it means that I need to acknowledge something.

This time, I had to acknowledge that I am not feeling. I am rationalizing everything again. Telling myself that I didn’t expect to get validation from my mother, so it was all good. But it was not. It’s NOT right for a person who has hurt you to ignore it and pretend like it didn’t happen. I should have felt hurt, disappointment, anger like every normal human being would have. But I felt nothing. I am still working with my therapist on this. Fortunately for me, I have a great therapeutic relationship and I do get validated by her.

I guess after my ranting and raving, what I am trying to say is that it may take ages to finally confront a Narc about what they’ve done, but they are NOT going to validate what you are feeling. Basically, they want you to shut up and take your issues with them and bury them as deep as possible, never to see the light.